AFL celebrates best-timed hamstring injury ever

The champagne was flowing at AFL headquarters today after wayward West Coast Eagles midfielder Ben Cousins picked up a ‘hamstring strain’ that will rule him out as a last minute inclusion for the Eagles game against the Brisbane Lions this week.

Several media outlets have criticised the AFL for allowing Cousins to play at all this season after his drug-taking indiscretions and there were reported sightings of Adrian Anderson at Subiaco Oval with a pair or pliers looking to finish off the Cousins hamstring for 2007.

It is not yet known whether the hamstring strain is of ‘AFL-grade’ which is a particular medical term referring to an injury that renders footballers unable to play at the highest level but fails to restrict their movements in lesser leagues such as the WAFL.

The Eagles today released a statement saying that Cousins was disappointed that he would not get the chance to play in the 200^th game of one of his close mates, Michael Braun.

Braun himself was quoted as being “f**king annoyed that the smackheaded bicep couldn’t make the f**ing game” but seemed somewhat appeased by the fact that the Eagles one inclusion this week is a bloke called Chris Judd.

Terrified Angels deny Pies link

A distraught member of the Hell’s Angels today denied the startling allegations that members of the famed biker gang were seen mixing with Collingwood players and supporters at a pub in central Melbourne.

Looking tired, withdrawn and fearful, Angel’s member Kevin "Slicer" Jones struggled to explain witness sightings of him and other gang members fraternising with renowned Magpie heavies Eddie “Boner” Maguire and Jeff “Joffa” Corfe just days before Collingwood’s loss to Melbourne.

“I know as a group we’ve done some crazy things,” Jones said. “But even we draw the line at hanging out with hardened criminals like those at Collingwood.”

Anonymous calls to Crimestoppers have reported that Jones and another Angels member were intoxicated at a King Street nightclub and accepted a lift from Maguire to check out his club’s headquarters at the Lexus Centre before being driven to the Carringbush Hotel and plied with more alcohol in an attempt to make them paralytic enough to sign up for club membership.

However Jones said that, in keeping with strict Angels’ policy, he was at club headquarters on the night in question serving Earl Grey tea as the gang enjoyed their traditional winter Scrabble tournament.

As part of his alibi, Jones was even able to name the winner of the tournament, Bruce “Lopper” Cartwright, who claimed victory with a triple-word-score on the final hand, although there was some dispute as to whether “Didakisdeadmeat” constituted a legitimate word.

Federer begins quest to be 5/7ths as boring as Sampras

Wimbledon begins on Monday with Swiss ace Roger Federer aiming to win his fifth consecutive title on the legendary lined lawns.

With his dominance of the tournament growing, Federer is moving into the esteemed company of notable Wimbledon bores Pete Sampras and Bjorn Borg. Sampras won a bottom-numbing 7 titles and Borg five which came in 1976-1980, now known as “The Ikea Years”.

Only three people other than Federer or Sampras have won Wimbledon since 1992 and one of those was Richard Krajicek which doesn’t count.

Lleyton Hewitt is the only man in this year’s draw other than Federer to have won Wimbledon previously. In his usual demure fashion, the South Australian has been quietly talking up his prospects despite the fact that Wayne Arthurs, in his final Grand Slam, probably has a better chance of taking the title.

A truck with Nadal Deliveries Inc painted on its side and containing 10 tonnes of red clay was stopped at the Wimbledon tradesmen’s entrance last night.

Once Tim Henman departs in the first round, the British bandwagon will be derailed until next year. Andy Murray officially withdrew from the tournament last night with an injured wrist sustained from trying to hold up the weight of public expectation.

Former PM Ready To Thai-Up City

Former Prime Minister of Thailand, Thaksin Shinawatra, today moved closer to a takeover of Manchester City as other former Asian leaders put up their hands for some Premier League action.

Mr Thaksin is attempting to lure Sven-Goran Eriksson to manage his new team, something that only a corrupt public official with serious dollars and very little sense would even contemplate.

Former Malaysian PM Mahatir Mohamad today launched a bid for Wigan Athletic while Imelda Marcos was reported to be in talks with Blackburn Rovers although this may only have been to secure a footwear contract.

The Premier League will, presumably in all seriousness, insist that Mr Thaksin pass a “fit and proper person” test before he can take over at City but a well-placed official from the FA was quoted as saying, “If he wants to throw a bucket load money at a club that causes as much heartbreak as Manchester City then he’s clearly fit and proper for them.”

Responding to queries over his knowledge of football, Mr Thaksin said, “When I asked how many players City need, my advisors said two strikers, two midfielders and one goalkeeper. I thought a football team might need a couple more on the pitch but I’m happy to fork out the dirty money for whatever my people tell me.”

Hick celebrates 40,000 runs against B-grade attacks

England batsman Graeme Hick today passed 40,000 first class-runs, becoming only the 16th batsman to do so and the first to complete the feat without a single notable test match innings.

Hick raised his bat to the heavens as he reached 49 for Worcestershire to achieve the milestone and celebrated in classic style by being immediately dismissed without adding another run.

The 41-year-old right-hander received a standing ovation from both spectators attending the game against Warwickshire.

His captain Vikram Solanki later also paid tribute to him.

“To score 40,000 runs is difficult for me to comprehend," said Solanki. “Surely English county bowlers can’t be that bad?”

Hick himself was suitably modest about his achievement. “I guess some people might think that playing on for umpteen years on the county circuit knocking up big scores on flat pitches against bowlers who would struggle to get a game in my native Zimbabwe might seem a bit selfish,” he said.

“But after the disaster that was my test career finished, I figured that it would be worth trying to boost the old average a bit. And given that I’d previously scored 405 not out in a county innings back in 1987, it seemed like the quality of county bowlers would be a good fit for me.”

Melbourne scheduled to avoid football scourge

As part of its cunning plan to wean Melburnians off their unhealthy obsession with attending football matches in winter, the AFL has skilfully ensured that no games will be played in Melbourne on Saturday or Sunday over the split round.

Wearing a natty “Foxtel Rule$” tie, AFL Chief Executive Officer Andrew Demetriou said that the idea that attending football matches was a popular winter pastime for Melburnians was an outdated concept.

“These days, people in Melbourne have every expectation that they should fill their weekends with shopping and getting stuck in traffic jams before settling down in the evening with their Foxtel remote in hand and watching games being televised from football’s new frontier,” he said.

“The midseason break isn’t just for weary players, you know,” Demetriou insisted. “It’s also for our spectators who have overdosed on football during the first 11 weeks and need a serious breather from their weekend routine of watching their club in person.”

“Sure there were big crowds at VFL matches over the weekend and we’re disappointed with that return to grass roots footy, but with the help of Channel 7 we think that the public is getting the picture that AFL isn’t a right, it’s a very expensive and poorly managed privilege.”

Lost golfers found amongst Oakmont rough

The search was on for a number of golfers reported missing during the US Open which began today at the Oakmont club in Pittsburgh.

A frightened and frostbitten Japanese golfer and his caddie were discovered in the rough just 12 metres from the 14th green huddling inside their golf bag but a Danish and an American player had still not been located late last night. They were reported missing when they didn’t hand in their scorecards and police divers were scouring the great lake surrounding the 11th green in the hope of finding them.

The Oakmont club has been criticised for being too difficult and hazard-laden by a number of players but club president Bucky Bullington dismissed the concerns, saying the there had only been a small number of fatalities reported by club members throughout the year that could be attributed to the course.

“You’d think that with their million-dollar pay checks and cushy lifestyles, the pros would appreciate a bit of danger in their golf,” he said. “But all I’ve heard is moaning about the alligators who roam the green on the 8th hole.”

Tiger Woods skilfully worked his way around the course today, carding a one over 71 and said that the decision to leave his 2-iron at home in favour of a chainsaw had paid dividends. “I put the weed-whacker in the bag as well and that proved very useful although with my hitting power, a 9-iron achieves much the same result,” he said.

Starsky and Hutch take over Woolmer investigation

Amongst continued uncertainty over whether Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer died of natural causes or was ritually murdered by the entire Pakistan team, noted crime fighters Starsky and Hutch have flown to Jamaica to take over the investigation into his death.

Jamaica’s Deputy Police Commissioner Mark Shields today defended the handling of the Woolmer case, saying that it had been “extraordinary”. “Murder investigations are not like TV series, where everything is wrapped up in 45 minutes,” he said.

On arriving at Kingston airport, Starsky (the dark-haired one) agreed. “Well our show wrapped up in 60 minutes so we’ve clearly got the credentials to crack the case,” he said. “Or at least better credentials than the Jamaican police. Huggy Bear’s also tipped us off on the best places to score some quality weed while we’re over here.”

Pakistani batsman Mohammad Yousuf suggested that the Pakistan Cricket Board should seek compensation from the Jamaican authorities over the incident which saw the whole squad provide fingerprints and DNA samples to police.

"With our "shock" result against Ireland paying out big time and some cash from the police, we can put the whole Caribbean holiday down as a nice little earner, rather than another black mark against Pakistan cricket," he said.

Thomas to Saints: How's that new coach workin' out for you?

Former St Kilda coach Grant ‘The Guru’ Thomas today generously avoided putting the boots into his former club as they slumped to their fourth loss in a row with the finals now looking as likely as a gracious speech by Rod Butterss.

Thomas, who has refused repeated requests to perform a Nelson Muntz “Ha Ha!” down the phone to his former friend Butterss, instead chose to sympathise with current Saints coach Ross Lyon.

“He’s really perfected that hang-dog look that all St Kilda coaches come to use in press conferences. Ross is clearly wondering what’s hit him and I know Tim Watson would clearly relate to the sight of a talented team being put through the wringer by a pack of scrubbers like the Kangaroos”, Thomas said.

Thomas also played down the impact his constant stream of commentary on the Saints might be having on team morale. “I’m going to have to be on the telly or the radio every day if I’m going to pay off my million dollar debt to that low-life f…, um, current president,” he said.

“Nick Riewoldt and Luke Ball have offered to help me out and I hear the club’s putting in some new pokie machines so I should be back in the black soon.”

1 versus 5 NBA Finals Series set to go

The 2007 NBA Finals Series to be played between the San Antonio Spurs and LeBron James (from out east somewhere) begins today with expectations high about the chances of James claiming the NBA’s first individual title.

James, a scoring wizard at the age of just 22, has already defeated the miserly Detroit Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals and now looks forward to bringing some much needed pizzazz to the NBA Finals.

The Spurs, who have opted to go with a more team based approach, have aligned themselves with a mid-western city and given superstar Tim Duncan some decent players to pass the ball to before he scores.

Spurs guard Manu Ginobli admitted this week that his team was “the vanilla of the NBA”. James responded that his style of basketball made him the “rainbow with raspberry swirls, dipped in Belgian chocolate and sprinkled with nuts and hundreds and thousands … of the NBA”.

NBA Commissioner David Stern requested an end to the ice-cream metaphors and instead begged the players for a close and entertaining series before launching his 1,354th plea for Michael Jordan to come out of retirement at the age of 44 and save the league from its slow march into insignificance.

Akermanis handstand the greatest danger to Lions

The Gabba ground in Brisbane last night sold its final ticket for the upcoming grudge match between the Lions and the Western Bulldogs, now the home of Brownlow medallist and former Lion, Jason ‘Shy Guy’ Akermanis.

Akermanis has threatened to perform a trademark handstand in front of his former fans should the Bulldogs win and the Lions supporters have reciprocated by promising to hang him from his feet from one of the light towers after the game if their team triumphs.

Akermanis’s coach Rodney Eade today refuted suggestions that if Akermanis remained in a handstand position throughout Saturday night’s match he would most likely prove more useful to his new club than he has in the months since he joined them.

“I’ve heard all the criticism about Aker’s form,” Eade said. “But he’s fitted in beautifully here being a fast running receiver able to join the 15 or so others who can receive the benefits of Scott West’s hard work.”

Eade praised Akermanis for making a true break from the Lions and showing himself to be a committed Bulldog. "Being the only Brisbane Brownlow medallist not to be arrested this week for brawling shows that Aker's really moved on and I respect that".

England cricket marriage heading for messy divorce

England captain Michael Vaughan today made the politically astute move of blaming his best player for England’s pitiful showing in the 2007 World Cup.

Vaughan, who himself contributed by getting England’s No. 3 to the crease nice and early in each match, blamed Andrew Flintoff’s drinking binge at the start of the tournament for ruining the team’s chances.

“I know the thought of playing in a team as bereft of talent as this one would be enough to drive anyone to drink, but we really needed Freddie in a fit state when we took on the cricketing might of Canada”, Vaughan said.

Refuting the claim that he had received preferential treatment from the selectors despite a one-day batting record to rival Glen McGrath’s, Vaughan humbly said “A day will come when England will be better without me but at the minute I think they're a lot better off with me.”

“Beating up on a depleted West Indies attack on my own turf might make some people think I’m a bit of a flat-track bully. But I know I’d be able do the same to Australia on a bouncy Perth pitch and it’s knowing this fact that makes me so special as a batsman and avoids any self-delusion creeping in.”

Demetriou: Hands-in-the-back - has there been some confusion?

AFL chief executive Andrew Demetriou today feigned surprise when asked why the league’s millions of supporters, millions of media commentators and 16 coaches were bemused or down-right angry about the new interpretation of the hands-in-the-back rule.

Speaking from the safety of a barricaded bunker deep in the bowels of AFL House in Melbourne, Demetriou denied that AFL football was becoming a pale imitation of its former hard-hitting self.

“Sure the odd point guard is going to be annoyed when they tap someone on the wrist and their opponent gets two free throws”, he said. “But I think a few people, like that up-tight chap Paul Roos, need to understand that mean power-forwards like Barry Hall are not being deliberately targeted for being strong and hard-at-the ball when they’re going for rebounds.”

Roos performed one of the most brilliant balancing acts seen in a post-match media conference on the weekend, managing to shred the AFL’s credibility on the controversial rule without ever saying anything that could be deemed worthy of a fine by the commission.

Today the Sydney coach lamented his inability to explain the rule to his young son. “Paul jnr has been receiving free kicks for the slightest nudge during his local Auskick games,” Roos said. “But I’ve told him in support of his father he should refuse the frees and just play on. I’m sure his team-mates will appreciate the solidarity with his dad.”

Meanwhile, Essendon coach Kevin Sheedy today commended the feral Sydney crowd for booing his skipper Matthew Lloyd at the end of the game on Saturday night. “I think it’s great that a pack of football ignorant Sydneysiders could finally get on board with one of the common activities of all footy supporters – booing Lloydy. Shows real progress up there”.

Australia 1, Uruguay 2: Probably the better time for goalkeeping howler

Socceroos coach Graham Arnold tonight expressed admiration for unfortunate young goalkeeper Brad Jones, whose blunder in the 77^th minute handed Uruguay a 2-1 win in a friendly match in Sydney.

“If Jonesy was going to commit an error of such clear and blatant stupidity against Uruguay, well he showed outstanding judgement to make it tonight and not in a certain World Cup qualifier in 2005,” said Arnold, sporting a trademark grin.

“Such schoolboy goalkeeping won’t give him a snowflake’s chance in hell of playing in my team again but it sure beats costing us a place at the World Cup and being strung up on the Sydney Harbour Bridge”.

Arnold was quick to encourage Jones’ club Middlesborough to give the young keeper plenty more time between the sticks. The man keeping Jones from the number one goalkeeping slot at the club is Australian team-mate Mark Schwarzer.

“Why would Middlesborough, with their imperative to win matches, not want a young error-prone goalie in the team rather than a seasoned match-winning professional like Schwarzer?” Arnold said.

“Guus Hiddink picked up on this during the World Cup and brought Zeljko Kalac in for the game against Croatia. And we saw how that turned out!”

French Open beginzzzzz......

The annual snooze-fest known to tennis tragics as the French Open commenced today with the amusing sight of players who aren’t Spanish, South American or Roger Federer, stepping tentatively out onto the surface of red clay like soldiers onto a field of land mines.

The American men, like the proverbial ‘lapins’ in the headlights, were all eliminated in the first round, thereby allowing themselves extra sight-seeing time in Paris.

Lleyton ‘Chuckles’ Hewitt performed his traditional escape act coming from two sets down against former winner Gaston Gaudio to win in five but failed to complete the job in the press conference, graciously praising Gaudio as “an outstanding shotmaker” to the astonishment of the assembled media.

The usual roll call of Robredos, Ferrers, Ferreros, Chelas, Almagros and Monacos have begun their steady, unspectacular and serve/volley-free march through the tournament, though requests from spectators and sponsors to simply play 14 consecutive Federer v Nadal matches over the two weeks were refused by organisers.

Tim Henman, cleverly using the French Open as a warm up to another sustained run to the second round at Wimbledon, found the overwhelming skill of Ernests Gulbis (from noted tennis powerhouse Latvia) too much and lost in straight sets.

In the women’s draw … Henin, Sharapova … a Williams or two, Russians, blah, blah, blah …. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Wimbledon starts on June 25.

Matthews turns to children's lit to improve Lions reading standards

Brisbane Lions coach Leigh Matthews today turned to a classic of children’s literature in a bid to turn around his team’s woeful form and also teach Jonathan Brown how to read.

Referring to AA Milne’s well known stories about a mischievous bear, Matthews spoke in language that would be accessible to his players rather than the usual fire and brimstone laced with profanities.

"We are having an anti-Eeyore week this week," he said.

"You know Eeyore out of Pooh bear - 'Ooooh it's a sad day'. So we are having an anti-Eeyore week."

Making strange references to the Gabba as "The Hundred Acre Wood" and labelling star midfielder Luke Power "poor little Piglet", Matthews seemed optimistic looking ahead to this week’s match against "the Tiggers".

"Apart from Richo, I don’t think they have any horrible Heffalumps playing for them", he said. “So we’re going to be focused on getting our share of the honeypot this week and then running like Rabbits”.

Asked to comment on Matthews unorthodox comments, burly forward Brown adjusted the bolts in his neck and said, “Books … good, pictures … good,” before lumbering off the training track with an illustrated copy of The Wind In The Willows tucked into his shorts.