Starsky and Hutch take over Woolmer investigation

Amongst continued uncertainty over whether Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer died of natural causes or was ritually murdered by the entire Pakistan team, noted crime fighters Starsky and Hutch have flown to Jamaica to take over the investigation into his death.

Jamaica’s Deputy Police Commissioner Mark Shields today defended the handling of the Woolmer case, saying that it had been “extraordinary”. “Murder investigations are not like TV series, where everything is wrapped up in 45 minutes,” he said.

On arriving at Kingston airport, Starsky (the dark-haired one) agreed. “Well our show wrapped up in 60 minutes so we’ve clearly got the credentials to crack the case,” he said. “Or at least better credentials than the Jamaican police. Huggy Bear’s also tipped us off on the best places to score some quality weed while we’re over here.”

Pakistani batsman Mohammad Yousuf suggested that the Pakistan Cricket Board should seek compensation from the Jamaican authorities over the incident which saw the whole squad provide fingerprints and DNA samples to police.

"With our "shock" result against Ireland paying out big time and some cash from the police, we can put the whole Caribbean holiday down as a nice little earner, rather than another black mark against Pakistan cricket," he said.

Thomas to Saints: How's that new coach workin' out for you?

Former St Kilda coach Grant ‘The Guru’ Thomas today generously avoided putting the boots into his former club as they slumped to their fourth loss in a row with the finals now looking as likely as a gracious speech by Rod Butterss.

Thomas, who has refused repeated requests to perform a Nelson Muntz “Ha Ha!” down the phone to his former friend Butterss, instead chose to sympathise with current Saints coach Ross Lyon.

“He’s really perfected that hang-dog look that all St Kilda coaches come to use in press conferences. Ross is clearly wondering what’s hit him and I know Tim Watson would clearly relate to the sight of a talented team being put through the wringer by a pack of scrubbers like the Kangaroos”, Thomas said.

Thomas also played down the impact his constant stream of commentary on the Saints might be having on team morale. “I’m going to have to be on the telly or the radio every day if I’m going to pay off my million dollar debt to that low-life f…, um, current president,” he said.

“Nick Riewoldt and Luke Ball have offered to help me out and I hear the club’s putting in some new pokie machines so I should be back in the black soon.”

1 versus 5 NBA Finals Series set to go

The 2007 NBA Finals Series to be played between the San Antonio Spurs and LeBron James (from out east somewhere) begins today with expectations high about the chances of James claiming the NBA’s first individual title.

James, a scoring wizard at the age of just 22, has already defeated the miserly Detroit Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals and now looks forward to bringing some much needed pizzazz to the NBA Finals.

The Spurs, who have opted to go with a more team based approach, have aligned themselves with a mid-western city and given superstar Tim Duncan some decent players to pass the ball to before he scores.

Spurs guard Manu Ginobli admitted this week that his team was “the vanilla of the NBA”. James responded that his style of basketball made him the “rainbow with raspberry swirls, dipped in Belgian chocolate and sprinkled with nuts and hundreds and thousands … of the NBA”.

NBA Commissioner David Stern requested an end to the ice-cream metaphors and instead begged the players for a close and entertaining series before launching his 1,354th plea for Michael Jordan to come out of retirement at the age of 44 and save the league from its slow march into insignificance.

Akermanis handstand the greatest danger to Lions

The Gabba ground in Brisbane last night sold its final ticket for the upcoming grudge match between the Lions and the Western Bulldogs, now the home of Brownlow medallist and former Lion, Jason ‘Shy Guy’ Akermanis.

Akermanis has threatened to perform a trademark handstand in front of his former fans should the Bulldogs win and the Lions supporters have reciprocated by promising to hang him from his feet from one of the light towers after the game if their team triumphs.

Akermanis’s coach Rodney Eade today refuted suggestions that if Akermanis remained in a handstand position throughout Saturday night’s match he would most likely prove more useful to his new club than he has in the months since he joined them.

“I’ve heard all the criticism about Aker’s form,” Eade said. “But he’s fitted in beautifully here being a fast running receiver able to join the 15 or so others who can receive the benefits of Scott West’s hard work.”

Eade praised Akermanis for making a true break from the Lions and showing himself to be a committed Bulldog. "Being the only Brisbane Brownlow medallist not to be arrested this week for brawling shows that Aker's really moved on and I respect that".

England cricket marriage heading for messy divorce

England captain Michael Vaughan today made the politically astute move of blaming his best player for England’s pitiful showing in the 2007 World Cup.

Vaughan, who himself contributed by getting England’s No. 3 to the crease nice and early in each match, blamed Andrew Flintoff’s drinking binge at the start of the tournament for ruining the team’s chances.

“I know the thought of playing in a team as bereft of talent as this one would be enough to drive anyone to drink, but we really needed Freddie in a fit state when we took on the cricketing might of Canada”, Vaughan said.

Refuting the claim that he had received preferential treatment from the selectors despite a one-day batting record to rival Glen McGrath’s, Vaughan humbly said “A day will come when England will be better without me but at the minute I think they're a lot better off with me.”

“Beating up on a depleted West Indies attack on my own turf might make some people think I’m a bit of a flat-track bully. But I know I’d be able do the same to Australia on a bouncy Perth pitch and it’s knowing this fact that makes me so special as a batsman and avoids any self-delusion creeping in.”

Demetriou: Hands-in-the-back - has there been some confusion?

AFL chief executive Andrew Demetriou today feigned surprise when asked why the league’s millions of supporters, millions of media commentators and 16 coaches were bemused or down-right angry about the new interpretation of the hands-in-the-back rule.

Speaking from the safety of a barricaded bunker deep in the bowels of AFL House in Melbourne, Demetriou denied that AFL football was becoming a pale imitation of its former hard-hitting self.

“Sure the odd point guard is going to be annoyed when they tap someone on the wrist and their opponent gets two free throws”, he said. “But I think a few people, like that up-tight chap Paul Roos, need to understand that mean power-forwards like Barry Hall are not being deliberately targeted for being strong and hard-at-the ball when they’re going for rebounds.”

Roos performed one of the most brilliant balancing acts seen in a post-match media conference on the weekend, managing to shred the AFL’s credibility on the controversial rule without ever saying anything that could be deemed worthy of a fine by the commission.

Today the Sydney coach lamented his inability to explain the rule to his young son. “Paul jnr has been receiving free kicks for the slightest nudge during his local Auskick games,” Roos said. “But I’ve told him in support of his father he should refuse the frees and just play on. I’m sure his team-mates will appreciate the solidarity with his dad.”

Meanwhile, Essendon coach Kevin Sheedy today commended the feral Sydney crowd for booing his skipper Matthew Lloyd at the end of the game on Saturday night. “I think it’s great that a pack of football ignorant Sydneysiders could finally get on board with one of the common activities of all footy supporters – booing Lloydy. Shows real progress up there”.

Australia 1, Uruguay 2: Probably the better time for goalkeeping howler

Socceroos coach Graham Arnold tonight expressed admiration for unfortunate young goalkeeper Brad Jones, whose blunder in the 77^th minute handed Uruguay a 2-1 win in a friendly match in Sydney.

“If Jonesy was going to commit an error of such clear and blatant stupidity against Uruguay, well he showed outstanding judgement to make it tonight and not in a certain World Cup qualifier in 2005,” said Arnold, sporting a trademark grin.

“Such schoolboy goalkeeping won’t give him a snowflake’s chance in hell of playing in my team again but it sure beats costing us a place at the World Cup and being strung up on the Sydney Harbour Bridge”.

Arnold was quick to encourage Jones’ club Middlesborough to give the young keeper plenty more time between the sticks. The man keeping Jones from the number one goalkeeping slot at the club is Australian team-mate Mark Schwarzer.

“Why would Middlesborough, with their imperative to win matches, not want a young error-prone goalie in the team rather than a seasoned match-winning professional like Schwarzer?” Arnold said.

“Guus Hiddink picked up on this during the World Cup and brought Zeljko Kalac in for the game against Croatia. And we saw how that turned out!”