AFL celebrates best-timed hamstring injury ever

The champagne was flowing at AFL headquarters today after wayward West Coast Eagles midfielder Ben Cousins picked up a ‘hamstring strain’ that will rule him out as a last minute inclusion for the Eagles game against the Brisbane Lions this week.

Several media outlets have criticised the AFL for allowing Cousins to play at all this season after his drug-taking indiscretions and there were reported sightings of Adrian Anderson at Subiaco Oval with a pair or pliers looking to finish off the Cousins hamstring for 2007.

It is not yet known whether the hamstring strain is of ‘AFL-grade’ which is a particular medical term referring to an injury that renders footballers unable to play at the highest level but fails to restrict their movements in lesser leagues such as the WAFL.

The Eagles today released a statement saying that Cousins was disappointed that he would not get the chance to play in the 200^th game of one of his close mates, Michael Braun.

Braun himself was quoted as being “f**king annoyed that the smackheaded bicep couldn’t make the f**ing game” but seemed somewhat appeased by the fact that the Eagles one inclusion this week is a bloke called Chris Judd.

Terrified Angels deny Pies link

A distraught member of the Hell’s Angels today denied the startling allegations that members of the famed biker gang were seen mixing with Collingwood players and supporters at a pub in central Melbourne.

Looking tired, withdrawn and fearful, Angel’s member Kevin "Slicer" Jones struggled to explain witness sightings of him and other gang members fraternising with renowned Magpie heavies Eddie “Boner” Maguire and Jeff “Joffa” Corfe just days before Collingwood’s loss to Melbourne.

“I know as a group we’ve done some crazy things,” Jones said. “But even we draw the line at hanging out with hardened criminals like those at Collingwood.”

Anonymous calls to Crimestoppers have reported that Jones and another Angels member were intoxicated at a King Street nightclub and accepted a lift from Maguire to check out his club’s headquarters at the Lexus Centre before being driven to the Carringbush Hotel and plied with more alcohol in an attempt to make them paralytic enough to sign up for club membership.

However Jones said that, in keeping with strict Angels’ policy, he was at club headquarters on the night in question serving Earl Grey tea as the gang enjoyed their traditional winter Scrabble tournament.

As part of his alibi, Jones was even able to name the winner of the tournament, Bruce “Lopper” Cartwright, who claimed victory with a triple-word-score on the final hand, although there was some dispute as to whether “Didakisdeadmeat” constituted a legitimate word.