Euro 2008 prepares for B-grade hooligan influx

Police in Austria and Switzerland are bracing themselves for a relaxed and trouble-free European Championships following the failure of England, Scotland and their maruading band of mindless hooligans to qualify for attendance.

Despite initial fears that English fans might turn up to games anyway in the hope of a bit of "violence by osmosis" and the lack of anything better to do with their summer holidays, the Austrian defence ministry said today that the greatest fear for their personnel was having to share a drink or two with German fans in Vienna's town square.

In other Euro 2008 news, Italy's hopes of winning the tournament were dealt a blow on Monday with the loss of centre-back Fabio Cannavaro with a serious knee injury. The defender collapsed in a heap at training after a challenge from a teammate but was not treated for more than half an hour.

It transpired that medical staff and teammates has assumed that Cannavaro was practising one of the team's many diving and injury feigning drills and it was only his lack of agonised screams and failure to roll around on the ground that alerted the team doctor to the fact that he actually was injured.

Denton to jocks: "Fear the man with the glasses"

With a few drips of Wayne Carey's blood dripping from his teeth, bespectacled nerd poster-boy Andrew Denton was tonight celebrating another triumph of brains over brawn.

Denton subjected Carey to the television equivalent of a root canal without anaesthetic on his highest-rating Enough Rope show to date.

Equipped with neither a basic sense of self-awareness nor the verbal arsenal to defend the indefensible, Carey was left squirming and stammering under Denton's razor sharp questioning; and late in the 2 hour interrogation the former North Melbourne champion was left to suffer the ultimate indignity - listening to a clip of Derryn Hinch.

The irony of Denton's triumph was not lost on the host who said, 'Sure if we met down a dark alley, Wayne would have ensure that most of my organs were left on the outside of my body. But I always knew that after many girl-friend free years and evenings alone reading Patrick White, one day I'd get a legendary jock on the rack and make him suffer an atomic television wedgie!”

Denton suggested that while Carey had found the lengthy interview with him painful, he would probably find a lengthy jail term bunking in with Kevin ‘Bubba’ Smith at Florida State Prison even more so.

AFL celebrates best-timed hamstring injury ever

The champagne was flowing at AFL headquarters today after wayward West Coast Eagles midfielder Ben Cousins picked up a ‘hamstring strain’ that will rule him out as a last minute inclusion for the Eagles game against the Brisbane Lions this week.

Several media outlets have criticised the AFL for allowing Cousins to play at all this season after his drug-taking indiscretions and there were reported sightings of Adrian Anderson at Subiaco Oval with a pair or pliers looking to finish off the Cousins hamstring for 2007.

It is not yet known whether the hamstring strain is of ‘AFL-grade’ which is a particular medical term referring to an injury that renders footballers unable to play at the highest level but fails to restrict their movements in lesser leagues such as the WAFL.

The Eagles today released a statement saying that Cousins was disappointed that he would not get the chance to play in the 200^th game of one of his close mates, Michael Braun.

Braun himself was quoted as being “f**king annoyed that the smackheaded bicep couldn’t make the f**ing game” but seemed somewhat appeased by the fact that the Eagles one inclusion this week is a bloke called Chris Judd.

Terrified Angels deny Pies link

A distraught member of the Hell’s Angels today denied the startling allegations that members of the famed biker gang were seen mixing with Collingwood players and supporters at a pub in central Melbourne.

Looking tired, withdrawn and fearful, Angel’s member Kevin "Slicer" Jones struggled to explain witness sightings of him and other gang members fraternising with renowned Magpie heavies Eddie “Boner” Maguire and Jeff “Joffa” Corfe just days before Collingwood’s loss to Melbourne.

“I know as a group we’ve done some crazy things,” Jones said. “But even we draw the line at hanging out with hardened criminals like those at Collingwood.”

Anonymous calls to Crimestoppers have reported that Jones and another Angels member were intoxicated at a King Street nightclub and accepted a lift from Maguire to check out his club’s headquarters at the Lexus Centre before being driven to the Carringbush Hotel and plied with more alcohol in an attempt to make them paralytic enough to sign up for club membership.

However Jones said that, in keeping with strict Angels’ policy, he was at club headquarters on the night in question serving Earl Grey tea as the gang enjoyed their traditional winter Scrabble tournament.

As part of his alibi, Jones was even able to name the winner of the tournament, Bruce “Lopper” Cartwright, who claimed victory with a triple-word-score on the final hand, although there was some dispute as to whether “Didakisdeadmeat” constituted a legitimate word.

Federer begins quest to be 5/7ths as boring as Sampras

Wimbledon begins on Monday with Swiss ace Roger Federer aiming to win his fifth consecutive title on the legendary lined lawns.

With his dominance of the tournament growing, Federer is moving into the esteemed company of notable Wimbledon bores Pete Sampras and Bjorn Borg. Sampras won a bottom-numbing 7 titles and Borg five which came in 1976-1980, now known as “The Ikea Years”.

Only three people other than Federer or Sampras have won Wimbledon since 1992 and one of those was Richard Krajicek which doesn’t count.

Lleyton Hewitt is the only man in this year’s draw other than Federer to have won Wimbledon previously. In his usual demure fashion, the South Australian has been quietly talking up his prospects despite the fact that Wayne Arthurs, in his final Grand Slam, probably has a better chance of taking the title.

A truck with Nadal Deliveries Inc painted on its side and containing 10 tonnes of red clay was stopped at the Wimbledon tradesmen’s entrance last night.

Once Tim Henman departs in the first round, the British bandwagon will be derailed until next year. Andy Murray officially withdrew from the tournament last night with an injured wrist sustained from trying to hold up the weight of public expectation.

Former PM Ready To Thai-Up City

Former Prime Minister of Thailand, Thaksin Shinawatra, today moved closer to a takeover of Manchester City as other former Asian leaders put up their hands for some Premier League action.

Mr Thaksin is attempting to lure Sven-Goran Eriksson to manage his new team, something that only a corrupt public official with serious dollars and very little sense would even contemplate.

Former Malaysian PM Mahatir Mohamad today launched a bid for Wigan Athletic while Imelda Marcos was reported to be in talks with Blackburn Rovers although this may only have been to secure a footwear contract.

The Premier League will, presumably in all seriousness, insist that Mr Thaksin pass a “fit and proper person” test before he can take over at City but a well-placed official from the FA was quoted as saying, “If he wants to throw a bucket load money at a club that causes as much heartbreak as Manchester City then he’s clearly fit and proper for them.”

Responding to queries over his knowledge of football, Mr Thaksin said, “When I asked how many players City need, my advisors said two strikers, two midfielders and one goalkeeper. I thought a football team might need a couple more on the pitch but I’m happy to fork out the dirty money for whatever my people tell me.”

Hick celebrates 40,000 runs against B-grade attacks

England batsman Graeme Hick today passed 40,000 first class-runs, becoming only the 16th batsman to do so and the first to complete the feat without a single notable test match innings.

Hick raised his bat to the heavens as he reached 49 for Worcestershire to achieve the milestone and celebrated in classic style by being immediately dismissed without adding another run.

The 41-year-old right-hander received a standing ovation from both spectators attending the game against Warwickshire.

His captain Vikram Solanki later also paid tribute to him.

“To score 40,000 runs is difficult for me to comprehend," said Solanki. “Surely English county bowlers can’t be that bad?”

Hick himself was suitably modest about his achievement. “I guess some people might think that playing on for umpteen years on the county circuit knocking up big scores on flat pitches against bowlers who would struggle to get a game in my native Zimbabwe might seem a bit selfish,” he said.

“But after the disaster that was my test career finished, I figured that it would be worth trying to boost the old average a bit. And given that I’d previously scored 405 not out in a county innings back in 1987, it seemed like the quality of county bowlers would be a good fit for me.”