Federer begins quest to be 5/7ths as boring as Sampras

Wimbledon begins on Monday with Swiss ace Roger Federer aiming to win his fifth consecutive title on the legendary lined lawns.

With his dominance of the tournament growing, Federer is moving into the esteemed company of notable Wimbledon bores Pete Sampras and Bjorn Borg. Sampras won a bottom-numbing 7 titles and Borg five which came in 1976-1980, now known as “The Ikea Years”.

Only three people other than Federer or Sampras have won Wimbledon since 1992 and one of those was Richard Krajicek which doesn’t count.

Lleyton Hewitt is the only man in this year’s draw other than Federer to have won Wimbledon previously. In his usual demure fashion, the South Australian has been quietly talking up his prospects despite the fact that Wayne Arthurs, in his final Grand Slam, probably has a better chance of taking the title.

A truck with Nadal Deliveries Inc painted on its side and containing 10 tonnes of red clay was stopped at the Wimbledon tradesmen’s entrance last night.

Once Tim Henman departs in the first round, the British bandwagon will be derailed until next year. Andy Murray officially withdrew from the tournament last night with an injured wrist sustained from trying to hold up the weight of public expectation.

Former PM Ready To Thai-Up City

Former Prime Minister of Thailand, Thaksin Shinawatra, today moved closer to a takeover of Manchester City as other former Asian leaders put up their hands for some Premier League action.

Mr Thaksin is attempting to lure Sven-Goran Eriksson to manage his new team, something that only a corrupt public official with serious dollars and very little sense would even contemplate.

Former Malaysian PM Mahatir Mohamad today launched a bid for Wigan Athletic while Imelda Marcos was reported to be in talks with Blackburn Rovers although this may only have been to secure a footwear contract.

The Premier League will, presumably in all seriousness, insist that Mr Thaksin pass a “fit and proper person” test before he can take over at City but a well-placed official from the FA was quoted as saying, “If he wants to throw a bucket load money at a club that causes as much heartbreak as Manchester City then he’s clearly fit and proper for them.”

Responding to queries over his knowledge of football, Mr Thaksin said, “When I asked how many players City need, my advisors said two strikers, two midfielders and one goalkeeper. I thought a football team might need a couple more on the pitch but I’m happy to fork out the dirty money for whatever my people tell me.”

Hick celebrates 40,000 runs against B-grade attacks

England batsman Graeme Hick today passed 40,000 first class-runs, becoming only the 16th batsman to do so and the first to complete the feat without a single notable test match innings.

Hick raised his bat to the heavens as he reached 49 for Worcestershire to achieve the milestone and celebrated in classic style by being immediately dismissed without adding another run.

The 41-year-old right-hander received a standing ovation from both spectators attending the game against Warwickshire.

His captain Vikram Solanki later also paid tribute to him.

“To score 40,000 runs is difficult for me to comprehend," said Solanki. “Surely English county bowlers can’t be that bad?”

Hick himself was suitably modest about his achievement. “I guess some people might think that playing on for umpteen years on the county circuit knocking up big scores on flat pitches against bowlers who would struggle to get a game in my native Zimbabwe might seem a bit selfish,” he said.

“But after the disaster that was my test career finished, I figured that it would be worth trying to boost the old average a bit. And given that I’d previously scored 405 not out in a county innings back in 1987, it seemed like the quality of county bowlers would be a good fit for me.”

Melbourne scheduled to avoid football scourge

As part of its cunning plan to wean Melburnians off their unhealthy obsession with attending football matches in winter, the AFL has skilfully ensured that no games will be played in Melbourne on Saturday or Sunday over the split round.

Wearing a natty “Foxtel Rule$” tie, AFL Chief Executive Officer Andrew Demetriou said that the idea that attending football matches was a popular winter pastime for Melburnians was an outdated concept.

“These days, people in Melbourne have every expectation that they should fill their weekends with shopping and getting stuck in traffic jams before settling down in the evening with their Foxtel remote in hand and watching games being televised from football’s new frontier,” he said.

“The midseason break isn’t just for weary players, you know,” Demetriou insisted. “It’s also for our spectators who have overdosed on football during the first 11 weeks and need a serious breather from their weekend routine of watching their club in person.”

“Sure there were big crowds at VFL matches over the weekend and we’re disappointed with that return to grass roots footy, but with the help of Channel 7 we think that the public is getting the picture that AFL isn’t a right, it’s a very expensive and poorly managed privilege.”

Lost golfers found amongst Oakmont rough

The search was on for a number of golfers reported missing during the US Open which began today at the Oakmont club in Pittsburgh.

A frightened and frostbitten Japanese golfer and his caddie were discovered in the rough just 12 metres from the 14th green huddling inside their golf bag but a Danish and an American player had still not been located late last night. They were reported missing when they didn’t hand in their scorecards and police divers were scouring the great lake surrounding the 11th green in the hope of finding them.

The Oakmont club has been criticised for being too difficult and hazard-laden by a number of players but club president Bucky Bullington dismissed the concerns, saying the there had only been a small number of fatalities reported by club members throughout the year that could be attributed to the course.

“You’d think that with their million-dollar pay checks and cushy lifestyles, the pros would appreciate a bit of danger in their golf,” he said. “But all I’ve heard is moaning about the alligators who roam the green on the 8th hole.”

Tiger Woods skilfully worked his way around the course today, carding a one over 71 and said that the decision to leave his 2-iron at home in favour of a chainsaw had paid dividends. “I put the weed-whacker in the bag as well and that proved very useful although with my hitting power, a 9-iron achieves much the same result,” he said.

Starsky and Hutch take over Woolmer investigation

Amongst continued uncertainty over whether Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer died of natural causes or was ritually murdered by the entire Pakistan team, noted crime fighters Starsky and Hutch have flown to Jamaica to take over the investigation into his death.

Jamaica’s Deputy Police Commissioner Mark Shields today defended the handling of the Woolmer case, saying that it had been “extraordinary”. “Murder investigations are not like TV series, where everything is wrapped up in 45 minutes,” he said.

On arriving at Kingston airport, Starsky (the dark-haired one) agreed. “Well our show wrapped up in 60 minutes so we’ve clearly got the credentials to crack the case,” he said. “Or at least better credentials than the Jamaican police. Huggy Bear’s also tipped us off on the best places to score some quality weed while we’re over here.”

Pakistani batsman Mohammad Yousuf suggested that the Pakistan Cricket Board should seek compensation from the Jamaican authorities over the incident which saw the whole squad provide fingerprints and DNA samples to police.

"With our "shock" result against Ireland paying out big time and some cash from the police, we can put the whole Caribbean holiday down as a nice little earner, rather than another black mark against Pakistan cricket," he said.

Thomas to Saints: How's that new coach workin' out for you?

Former St Kilda coach Grant ‘The Guru’ Thomas today generously avoided putting the boots into his former club as they slumped to their fourth loss in a row with the finals now looking as likely as a gracious speech by Rod Butterss.

Thomas, who has refused repeated requests to perform a Nelson Muntz “Ha Ha!” down the phone to his former friend Butterss, instead chose to sympathise with current Saints coach Ross Lyon.

“He’s really perfected that hang-dog look that all St Kilda coaches come to use in press conferences. Ross is clearly wondering what’s hit him and I know Tim Watson would clearly relate to the sight of a talented team being put through the wringer by a pack of scrubbers like the Kangaroos”, Thomas said.

Thomas also played down the impact his constant stream of commentary on the Saints might be having on team morale. “I’m going to have to be on the telly or the radio every day if I’m going to pay off my million dollar debt to that low-life f…, um, current president,” he said.

“Nick Riewoldt and Luke Ball have offered to help me out and I hear the club’s putting in some new pokie machines so I should be back in the black soon.”